Pain and Butterflies

I love butterflies! There is something so dainty and beautiful about a butterfly flitting through the yard. I always pause, just for a moment to appreciate them.

I also love caterpillars! They come in so many different colors and patterns. Some are furry, some aren't, some have stripes, others are plain. But the amazing thing about them is to think of the change they will go through to become these dainty beautiful creatures silently drifting through your flowers.

I'm sure we have all thought about the change they go through to become those beautiful creatures.

But today I was thinking about how it is kind of an unattractive process. Have you ever seen a chrysalis? Not very pretty. Not colorful. If you didn't know what it was, or what was happening inside you would completely overlook it.

Yet, it is such an essential part of what God created that caterpillar to do. To change. To become something new. To struggle out of what is holding it, into its new and different form. Somehow, instinctively, that caterpillar knows that it has to pull in, take some time to build it a place to change and then the change begins.

We were all created to do things. What you and I were created to do, may be very different. But to completely fulfil what God's purpose for us is, requires change. It requires us to let go of who we think we are to become what He created us to be. He did not create us to be selfish, unkind and prideful. He created us to be the opposite, selfless, kind and humble.

A caterpillar is an interesting creature. It eats plants and poops. In that part of its lifecycle it does do something, but not a lot. However, when it becomes a butterfly it can pollinate plants and flowers. It can lay eggs to create more caterpillars. It cannot reach the full measure of its potential in the caterpillar state. It must change.

Change is often ugly, uncomfortable and unattractive to those who don't understand what we are going through. It's often not until the metamorphosis is complete that others can appreciate what we have gone through.

But we need to not fear the ugly. That is the only way a caterpillar can change into the butterfly it was created to be. We need to recognize that the work is hard and sometimes silent, sometimes seems boring, can take longer than we think.

And in all that, we need to remember that the process is different for each of us. We may look at someone else and think, Hhmmmm, not so attractive." But that might be the chrysalis part of the change that person is going through.

I am currently raising a teenager. If nothing else, it qualifies me to recognize how a metamorphosis can be frustrating, ugly, difficult, uncomfortable, and seemingly unending.
Can you think back to a time as a child when you had growing pains? I remember waking up at nights with my legs aching. The pain was unexpected and overwhelming. It was also seemingly "undeserved." The pain wasn't from an injury, or as the result of too much running, hours of roller skating or anything else. It was simply part of the process of changing, growing. Yet that pain was essential to my literal growth.

Some of my most frustrating and ugly spots have been when I realized that I wasn't being who God wanted me to be and that it was time for change and I didn't necessarily know how, or even want to change.

But when I let go, and let Him do His work, He makes me more of the beautiful creation He intended. My change will take a lifetime. There will be times that I feel like the gorgeous butterfly, but more often than not, I will probably feel like the ugly chrysalis. And that's okay, as long as I don't lose sight of the process and forget the outcome! He created me to be more than just a caterpillar. He created me to be a useful and beautiful butterfly.

What Size Casket Will You Have?

In Sunday School, this sweet older gentleman that I just love, related the following story.

A religious man was invited to the home of a very wealthy acquaintance. He got there and looked around at all the amazing and beautiful things. As they wandered through the house looking at all this man had acquired he finally asked, "To what do you attribute all that you have?" At which the wealthy man said, "Me. I have done all of this. I have worked hard for everything you see here."

Then this sweet man finished this story with this comment, "You know, that rich man will eventually wind up in the same place we pretty much all do. The dimensions are about 6 feet long by 2 feet wide."

Now there are of course two striking parallels for this story.

The first being, that the wealthy man attributed everything he had to himself. I'm not saying he didn't work hard, or have a lot of intelligence. But the ability to work hard, having intelligence, being a good manager of money, etc. are all gifts from God. Sometimes not having those gifts is also a great mercy from God.

I'll be honest, if I had a great body, I would be awfully tempted to flaunt it. If I had a lot of money, I would find lots of frivolous things to waste it on. So God has graciously saved me from having those issues!

The second notion in this story is that we will all eventually be put in the same place, a nearly 7 foot by 2 1/2 foot box, or perhaps a pretty urn. No matter what we have earned, or attained to in this life!

The interesting thing is, you can shove an awful lot of love in a heart, a ton of knowledge in a brain, and a boatload of soul in a person and it never changes their size or shape!

So when we leave this life and eventually report back to our Maker, He will want to take a tour of us and see all that we did with what He gave us.

Did we fill the vastness of our mind with His word? Did we put in good books, and words of wisdom? Did we learn all that we could learn and did we take care of the brain we were given?

How about our hearts? Did we fill them up with love for others, or only ourselves? Did we have them stretched by loving our children or spouse or friends, even when they weren't very loveable? Did we turn away from or reach out to those who were different, unkempt, challenging, or weird? Did we help even when we weren't sure we had the time to give or the means? Was our heart filled with love for others?

Did we fill our souls with goodness and light? Did we accept the whisperings of the Spirit when we needed to change and try to make those changes? Were we humble enough to recognize the gifts we were given and do something with them?  Were we filled with the love of God and let that spill out to others?

So what size coffin will you have? Probably about the same size as most everyone else. But it doesn't really matter, because what's in it isn't really what's in it.

Let's all go out and fill up our hearts, minds and spirits and make them beautiful palaces to visit and share with others, because that is what we will take with us.

The Backpack

Today in church was so enlightening to me and I just have to share what I learned from the comments of a couple of amazing women who were clearly directed by the Spirit.

Amber was teaching about grace and her own struggles with some things in her life. She mentioned how after years of praying and fasting and struggling with a particular issue she decided it was time to take the backpack of all these struggles off and place it at the feet of the Savior and walk away.

Now, I have to admit, I have often heard of people taking their burdens and casting them at the feet of the Savior and I have struggled with my own inability to do that.

But now I think I understand a little bit more about why.

Noelle then said, "How often do we put that backpack there and then go back to it, maybe asking the Lord, ''Have you got it? I can take it back."
Or maybe I think, "You know, I think I left something in there I'm not really done with, let me take a peek."
How often have I done exactly that! I have left the back pack and then gone back to take little bits and pieces out, or thought maybe I shouldn't have handed it all over to the Lord.

Maybe it is time for me to hand over the back pack, all of it, and walk away.

And not look back.

And not ask for a glimpse.

And not think that I can carry it better than He can.

I already have to continue on with the consequences of my choices.

But I don't have to feel the pain anymore. I don't have to continue to carry the burden of regret, frustration, anger, resentment or fear. He has already paid the price for all of that.

I just need to go forward trusting in His grace, asking for His help, and seeing and feeling the many ways He shows me His love.

It may not look, or feel the way I want it to. I may have to hold on to things I can't see, or touch, but only hope for, until the day I am at His feet.

But maybe, just maybe, by putting down that backpack and letting Him take it, I will be better able to enjoy the journey, climb higher, reach out to help others on the path.

Somehow, I don't think that when we get to the other side we are going to want to be hauling the baggage we are trying to haul around here. Especially when we can leave it behind.

I can only hope to help someone else learn where to put their load, when I know where it goes myself.

New Book for Parents

I want to share with you a new book that a member of a Christian writer's group I am part of has helped to write! I haven't read the whole thing, yet. What I have read is making me stop and contemplate and pray.
I am in no way a perfect mom, or even close to it! But like most moms, I have the best intentions. So when I mess up, I feel terrible! I love what I am reading in this book about focusing on the things that drive me crazy and evaluating how Heavenly Father would want me to deal with it. I love the images they use to make me think about how using scripture to raise my children needs to be not from a punishment mentality but from a guidance mentality.

"Do you use Scripture when you’re frustrated and angry? God’s Word was never intended to be a hammer in the hand of an angry mom, but a surgeon’s scalpel used in tandem with the Holy Spirit’s guidance."  from Triggers page 33 by Amber Lia and Wendy Speake .

I am excited to see how this book redirects my efforts in parenting more to the scriptures and the Spirit as I try to make the changes I feel I need to make.
I hope it will help you too!

If you decide to read it and want to share some thoughts or experiences on how it has helped or guided you, I would love for you to share!

Morning Chaos (The Dream)

After a very harried morning I was trying to entertain my boys that night with a bedtime story of this mom and how she envisions it to be.

Her eyes open at 5:30 am on the dot and she feels rested and energized for the day. After spending time on her knees, she reads her scriptures and jots down several passages that have enlightened her mind.

She looks at the clock, realizing it is time to make the muffins. The peanut butter, whole wheat muffins with chocolate chips and peanut butter frosting. While she is making these muffins she is singing in her amazingly awesome operatic voice, lovely good morning songs to her children who waken to the smell of the muffins, the sun shining, and their mother singing.

Then with loving hugs to all she warms their cold clothes in the dryer and helps the younger 2 get dressed.  While also smoothing hair, locating back packs, shoes, and permission slips. She calmly reminds each kid where they need to be and when, while she makes lunches.

She goes to the closet and finds her jeans, cute shirt and hoodie and decides that not only is makeup not necessary, but neither is brushing her hair.

As she gets the one child who is not wanting to go to school today, presumably because he doesn't want to leave his beautiful, charming, very entertaining, and encyclopedic mother because he would prefer to be at home under her tutelage, she opens the door to find that all the neighbors suspected his reluctance this morning and are out with balloons and best wishes signs for him as they cheer him into the car and confetti inexplicably falls from the sky.

On the drive to school she turns on the radio to uplifting music that has a great beat and as they are bopping to the music at a red light, other kids in other, not so fun vans, are looking jealously at the amazing moves their mom is making from the driver seat while also singing, on key, to the song. As they arrive at school, throngs of other kids come running and beg to be added to their carpool.

At lunch each child opens their healthy and tasty lunch, to the much drooling of their mates who beg them to ask their mom to call and share recipes.

After school, the same mother picks up carpool to and begins a joke telling fest in which she remembers every punchline. Everyone arrives home ready for a snack, which of course is homemade chocolate chip cookies served on doilies on glass plates with ice cold milk.

The smell of dinner is wafting from the crockpot and after homework is done, everyone plays happily while dinner finishes cooking.

Everyone cheerfully comes in to help set the table for dinner and after a prayer on the food, every child says, "Oh yum, I love everything you cook Mom." Mom of course smiles knowingly as she thinks about how nutrient packed this meal is and they don't even know it! Then there is deep discussion about world events, including solutions to said events.

As the family is putting the dinner dishes away, the floor is also getting swept and of course everyone is singing. After clean up is family game time. The t.v. is covered with dust because no one ever watches it anymore. No one even wants to watch it, because it is so boring.

Then at bedtime, everyone puts on their cozy jammies, comes in for scriptures and prayers with smiles and loving actions to all. They get immediately into bed and ask for a story before sleep.

This is the story they get, with much laughter from all as they realize that mom has indeed lost her mind and is sleep telling this story from the floor she will find herself on at about midnight when she wakes up, freezing cold.

This same mom kisses each sleeping kid, tucks them in and thinks back over the day, that didn't go anything like the story, but fully plans on trying again tomorrow.

Got any good jokes?

Disciples

Sometimes it seems as though Christians aren't "allowed" to have problems, difficulties, challenges or trials.
It seems that for many, the admission that we do means we aren't "Christian" enough. We must not be faithful enough, or we don't pray enough, or maybe we simply just aren't good enough.

Which is all silly.

Being a follower of Christ is a process. A lifetime one. We won't get there over night.

The Savior understood this and, I think, tried to point it out as He chose His disciples.

As He was walking by the Sea of Galilee in Matthew 4:19 it says "...Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men."

He did NOT say, follow me, you are fishers of men. He alluded to the fact that becoming a disciple, a follower, a believer, is something that He will help us to become.

That means that much of our lives will be in learning to serve others, as He taught His disciples. In reaching out to the needy, and brokenhearted as He taught them. In teaching (for us, through the Spirit) as He did with them. It will be in the little ways we heal others, as He showed His disciples.

And sometimes it will be in a long and painful and lonely journey, as His was. We cannot forget that He asked His disciples to watch with Him, Matt 26:4. They fell asleep. He suffered, carrying the weight of all of our transgressions, on His own. He watched as Peter, his dear friend, betrayed Him. He went to the cross surrounded by throngs of people calling for His execution. He died in the most humbling of circumstances, nearly naked, painfully nailed to a cross, in absolute innocence of any wrongdoing.

When we look at the journey of His disciples, the ones who walked, talked, ate, and journeyed with him, we can see that their journey was full of ups and downs. These are the very men He said he would make into "fishers of men".

I love Peter because he reminds me in many ways of me. The one to blurt out the questions everyone else is smart enough not to say out loud. But as the Savior teaches him, he gets it and embraces it as much as he can. Even at the end of His life, as the Savior is letting Peter know he will betray Him, Peter cannot fathom it. The depth of his sorrow in his moments of weakness I can comprehend. The absolute love Jesus has for Peter and His mercy for this friend is one I cannot fully comprehend, but believe in and trust in.

While on the Sea of Galilee a storm arose and His disciples were scared. Isn't that sometimes how we feel in the storms of our lives, scared? I have. And He then asks in Matthew 8:26 "Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?' Yes, his disciples were scared. Yes, the Lord questions them. But He never said, Ok, enough! Get out of the boat. You just don't get it. I'm done with you.

Why???

Because He knew what He was making! He was making disciples. Believers. Healers. Teachers.

And they had to learn. Step by step. Sometimes painful steps.

They also had the good times, the times they healed. When they taught. They had years at His feet to learn. The chance to witness miracle after miracle in the lives of those who came to Jesus in faith, and those who came asking for the faith as well. There was the man in Mark 9:24 who brought his child to be healed, but found he lacked the faith and asked for it.

His disciples had to learn why they could not cast out devils. In Mark 9:29 He teaches them  that "This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting."

If the Savior had to teach all these things to the very men who were His closest friends, the ones who saw Him heal, cast out devils, feed the hungry, guide the sinner, why do we expect that we will experience less? Why do we think our lives will look perfect and be easy?

If we truly want to be His disciples, we too will have to learn how in the struggles as well as in the good times.

I have a friend who has had seemingly nothing but struggles her entire life. And yet, she has been one of my greatest teachers as I have watched her time and again be Christlike.

The struggles and trials are real. Sometimes they hurt. Sometimes they seem to last forever. Sometimes it is lonely. These things don't mean we aren't faithful enough, believing enough or good enough. In fact, it may mean that He has chosen us to do the good work. He knows what He can make of us.

And as we hold on to our faith, even when we are also asking for the faith we need, He will make all of those struggles worth it.

Then we will be the disciples He knows we can be.

The Do Over

Why is it that the very trait that we see in someone else, that is driving us crazy, is often a trait that we have? Have you ever noticed that?

For example, one of my kids tends to not be very patient and it can drive me nuts!! Ya know what? I am not a very patient person!!!

I have another kid who often doesn't put things away. Lately I have noticed that the very things he is not putting away are the same items of my own that I am picking up at the end of the day.
And it can drive you bonkers!

Years ago, maybe 20,  this movie came out about a guy who relived the same day over and over and over again, it was called Groundhog Day. We went to see this movie with friends and it was one of those times that if we hadn't been with friends I would have walked out. The movie drove me absolutely nuts! I couldn't stand it!

It was kind of funny for a while, but then it became annoying and then downright boring, because it was the same thing over and over with only very small changes as the character chose to make them.

Now I really don't remember much of it, because I truly disliked it so much I didn't want to remember, or ever see it again.
What I do remember is the guy was pretty much a jerk. And as he got to relive the same day he could keep being a jerk, or he could do something different, be nice to someone, help someone, whatever and it didn't take him too long to figure out that no matter what he did one day that it would all be erased. No one but him would remember and he would start again the next day.

Eventually he did a lot of self improvement, and became a much nicer person as he learned what people really thought of him, as he saw the benefits of helping others.
At least that is what I remember of the movie.

I was thinking about that as I woke up this morning after having yelled at one of my kids the night before. A trait that I loathe, and one I am working on constantly.
This morning I was thinking of Anne of Green Gables (one of my all time favorite book series and I even love the movies) and there is a part where Anne is with Marilla and as they are talking about a mistake Anne had made, Marilla reminds her that tomorrow is a new day, fresh with no mistakes in it.

Then I started thinking about Groundhog Day and how the main character had a fresh chance each time he woke up to live that day differently. He could choose to live it better than he had before or not. And he sometimes choose badly.

Our lives are made up of days. We don't get to live a day over, but each day we wake up to a new, fresh one, with no mistakes. We get to choose what we are going to do with it. Sometimes we will choose many good things and sometimes we will just plain blow it.

Our Heavenly Father also lets us start new. I think He is waiting for us to wake up, see His amazing new day and decide what good we are going to do. When I remind myself to think of it that way, I am much more likely to not only be thankful for the new day, but more determined to try and conquer the bad habits and find the good.

I am finding that when I start my morning thanking Him and spending time reading the scriptures and the messages He has for me, I hear His voice more. I need that voice. I desperately need that voice to guide me through my day and through my actions.

So the movie that drove me absolutely nuts, is actually a lot like my life. I can start each day new, fresh with no mistakes. God is on my side and wants me and you and all of us to succeed in becoming a new and different person through what we learn each day. The changes may be very small and almost imperceptible to us, but they aren't to Him. And when we mess up, which we all inevitably do, He forgives us and loves us into a whole new day.