Several years ago, I was unpacking some boxes from yet another move, when I came across some papers from college when I was working on my Master's.

I had a binder that had thoughts on leadership in a compare/contrast style to a poem our class had read. I remembered that in class we had to write our response, make copies to share with our group, and turn in together. So I started reading and as I did my brain started to ache. 

This was a depth headache. The kind you get when you have to read something a few times in order to really comprehend it.

When I got done reading it, I remember thinking it was quite brilliant and wondering who wrote it.

So I flipped back to the front and there it was, my name! Then I read a few other responses from class mates and realized we were a pretty smart group.

But what gets me is that I can't even think that way right now in my life!

I started hoping then that those brain cells will return and that some old synapses might be able to fire again someday.

I realize that might be wishful thinking. Maybe my brains have totally turned to peanut butter. No wonder my junior high son often shakes his head when I am trying to make a point. Is it lost forever?

I hope not.

I would like to think that one day, when I am not getting woken up in the middle of the night regularly for nightmares, bloody noses, or bathroom breaks, that I might be able to think again.

Think clearly and deeply.

But if that isn't the case, I am hanging on to those college papers in hopes of giving my boys something to read that causes a deep thinking headache.

Most likely they will get a headache trying to think of a way to let me down gently that I'm not as smart as I thought I was.