The Imposter

A few months ago I went to a writing conference. My first ever. I was surrounded by well published authors, amazing teachers, editors, mentors and friends. It was a fantastic experience!

Then I came home and tried to write. That thing that I do. That part in me that feels real and even more, who I want to be. But I suddenly had this tremendously uncomfortable feeling that I was an imposter. I was filled with self-doubt. “Who do you think you are? A REAL writer, yeah right, you barely pulled a C in a college writing class. Your blog is limping along. You self-published for crying out loud!!” All these thoughts consumed me, crippled me in all honesty. I kept sitting at my computer trying to write and the word, “IMPOSTER!!!!” kept screaming in my head. 

I addressed it with my writing community and was so sweetly reminded that I am a writer. Even if it is only stringing a few thoughts together and getting them on paper, that qualifies me, loving it confirms me, wanting to get better at it fills me. Those feelings may wax and wane and that is okay. This is a process. A LONG process.

I made the comparison this week to another deep part of me. I am a Christian. I believe in Christ. And in my believing I often feel like an imposter. I feel at times as though I’m not good enough to consider myself a “believer." Because a believer wouldn’t mess up as frequently as I do, wouldn’t ever doubt, wouldn’t ever wonder if God had forgotten about her, wouldn’t question why these super hard things were happening in her life. A believer would never yell at her kids, or make an unkind comment, judge a stranger, or get mad about the state the world is in. A true believer would be above all that. 

Right?

Wrong!!!

I am a true believer even in my small imperfect ways. I believe in Christ and I believe Christ. 

I believe that He makes up for all I lack. I believe that He has faith in me to change, in time. I believe that He can see the whole picture of where I was at and where I am going and that I am trying each day to do better. 

Foremost, I believe that He already paid the price for every mistake I make. He has that much love and faith in who I am. 

Like my sweet writing group helping me to remember who I am and who I want to be, my Savior already truly knows who I am. He knows I am a believer. 

He also knows that I need the process of studying things out and finding out for myself so He allows my doubts.

He knows I want to become more like Him and He allows me to stumble on the path and sometimes wander off, because He is there and can always find me, and always has band-aids. 

He knows that it is a process to change and He has already paid for all the mistakes I have made and will make.

He knows that as a believer, I will offer to pray for and with you when I don’t know what else to do. 

He knows that I will testify of Him.

He knows that I will find joy in the scriptures and try to share that with anyone who might listen and sometimes those who won’t.

He knows that I will keep trying and that I will keep coming to Him because I frequently find myself looking for answers.

He knows that I often say, “I give up! I don’t know what to do!” But keep on trying because I won’t give up. I may keep doing the same dumb thing, but I won’t stop trying.

He knows all of these things and He is okay with this fledgling believer who wants to be more.

He won’t give up on me.

And I testify that He won’t and hasn’t given up on you! No matter what your circumstances are, no matter how lost you may feel, no matter what you have done, He is there.

You are not an imposter! He loves you because He knows you! You cannot fake Him out. It is impossible. He knows you!

Only someone who believes in each of us would hurt for us, pay our debt and then die for us. He has done this.

So if you ever have a day or an hour that you feel like an imposter, stop! Remind yourself that you are not to Him. God made you and loves you and knows you. He will always be waiting for you to call out to Him. He will be there with band-aids and healing cream. He will tell you the way back home and He will walk it with you. 

To Him, you are not an imposter. You are a believer!