I Don't Understand My Washing Machine

I have been using a washing machine for the better part of 30 years and I have to say that now as an adult, I have issues with it.

What I don't understand is the settings.

Why isn't there a setting for disgusting boy P.E. clothes, that not only washes but then brings in boiling water to disinfect?

There needs to be a setting for kids that have been digging in the dirt in the backyard. It would have to withstand the rocks that are still in the pockets as well as the ground in dirt, grass stains, and squashed caterpillar that got kneeled on by a little one who isn't too coordinated yet.

There needs to be an extra large setting.You need a very large tub for the 16 towels it took for one kid to dry off after his shower.

It also needs to be able to wash large family loads with a minimal amount of water because, we are earth friendly for crying out loud!

There needs to be a super small tub that you can insert to wash the gross washrags that cleaned up spilled milk but didn't get rinsed out (insert gagging sound here).

My washer has a normal cycle. Really? Umm, that word doesn't even walk into our house, ever.

It also has a permanent press cycle. What on earth does that mean? I could use a permanently stained cycle, or an "I don't iron" cycle. Does permanent press even exist anymore? Oh that's right my washer is that old! Which I hear is good, because I have heard some major complaints about new washers!

I have a delicate cycle.  But I think it should be a very delicate cycle.
It should be a secret place for a mom to escape and take a bath and be massaged all at the same time while not really hiding from her children, because they would never look for her there anyway!

Yes, I've decided that the washing machine industry and I need to have a chat.