Loss of a Friend

Last week I found out that a dear friend from my high school days had died after a long stretch of living with cancer.

And it broke my heart.

For a week now I have been trying to pinpoint my feelings and why her loss stunned me so deeply.
After all, I haven't seen her since high school.
We kept in touch for a while in college, but then she got married and started having babies and we lost each other.
Several years later we somehow got in touch with each other and started sending the yearly Christmas cards with a few sentences about our families. Then lost touch again.
Through Facebook several years ago, we reconnected and I found her to be the same funny, amazing woman I remembered her to be. After several exchanges, she let me know that she had the tumor and that it was terminal.

I was devastated for her!

And I thought, selfishly, devastated for me.

I have been thinking about that a lot since her passing, and I realize that it is not selfishness that has torn my heart apart.

When we met in high school, I was somewhat of a mess. I was a relatively new believer in Christ, and I will openly admit, I was not very schooled in what was right and wrong. I had faith and enthusiasm, but was not great on delivery. I did many foolish things. Things that she could see, things that effected her at times. And yet, in spite of myself, she loved me and accepted me anyway.
She welcomed me with open arms. She opened her world to me. She taught me, forgave me, laughed and cried with me. When I think back to our times together, my sides ache from the laughter! She was talented. She was probably the closest thing to a female Dick Van Dyke that has ever been!  She could sing, and dance, and had energy galore. She was so creative. She came up with some of the funniest ideas for our camp skits. Most importantly, she was a good and Christ-like young woman.

So it may be easy to see why it breaks my heart that she is gone. It isn't selfishness. It is knowing that someone who has been such a great influence on your life and has then gone on to do the same things in the lives of countless others is now gone.

I didn't find out that she passed until an hour before her funeral which was 8 hours away. And I cried.
I wished so much that I could have hugged her family, met her kids, told them how much she meant to me personally.

They probably wouldn't need me to, because she was that person for them in the way they needed her. They have their own wonderful stories of laughter and tears and goodness.

I am sad because she is gone so young and I won't see her again in this life.

I am sad for those who never got to meet her and be friends with such a wonderful person.

I am sad for those of us who had the chance to know and love her for a while and be blessed by her goodness, humor, talent, intelligence and insight, and will miss her influence.

And at the same time I am so grateful that God blessed me to have her in my life, even for a short time. I have memories that will make me laugh and cry forever. I will always think back to girl's camp and the pots and pans tied to various parts of her as she became our one woman band. I have a better sense of right and wrong because of her. I have so many memories of good wholesome times because that is what she was.

Anita, I love you. I know that those who knew you will treasure their memories with you. Thank you for living your beliefs and helping me to learn how. Thank you for being the amazing woman you were created to be!

Executive Function Disorder a.k.a ADHD

I realize I may be opening a can of worms here, which I am absolutely NOT trying to do. I honestly just hope that if someone else is struggling with this with their child and sees anything in their struggle that sounds like ours and is able to get help, it will be worth the worms.

Our son, was the kid who started Kindergarten at age 5, one of the youngest in his class, because he was really ready. He was the smallest and one of the youngest and did great in school even though many of the other kids were at least a year or more older than him. Where we were living it was thought best to hold kids back until they were 6 to start school.

He did pretty well in school for the most part although writing sentences was his nemesis. He hated it in spite of his well developed vocabulary and ability to express himself verbally.

Then third grade hit and he was falling behind, especially in math. So we took him out to homeschool him thinking that more one on one attention and help would fix the problem and then we would put him back in at a different school the following year. Since I had taught school for 8 years, I was excited to work with my son at home.

It was a nightmare. There were things that were so great! We read the classics and had great discussions, we dove into history and learned so much. But getting him to start and finish work was horrendous.

The following year he went to a much smaller school and for the most part had a great experience. He had wonderful teachers that we adored! And they loved him. But it was still hard. He often forgot books or papers, couldn't stay organized to save his life (even though his schools had provided planners every year). We would find done assignments not turned in, or assignments that were due smashed in the bottom of his back pack.

Each year it got worse. But his teachers loved him, loved his discussions in class, his positive cheerful demeanor, his knowledge base. Until he got a teacher who couldn't handle his disorganized, messy, and noisy ways. He is a pencil tapper. He may fully be paying attention, but likely is also tapping his pencil. I totally get that it can drive you crazy. I have been a teacher. But he was made aware and it hurt him.

At home we, for several years, had been dealing with stomach issues. There was one year that he missed so many birthday parties and events we knew he would love because of a sick stomach that we got worried. We had him tested for everything. It all came back normal.

At home we were also dealing with one very angry child. He was mad and he was taking it out on everyone all the time. We had to separate him from one brother at the dinner table so we could endure meals. We put 3 kids in one room and him by himself for the sake of peace. We tried ignoring the mean-ness hoping it would go away, then we went to punishing for it. We were always pointing out things he did good, when he was treating others nicely, when he got things done, when he cleaned up his messes, etc. But to no avail. Things at home were miserable.

Starting Junior High with a variety of classes, teachers, teaching styles and expectations proved to be disastrous. Within a short period of time he was dealing with bullying, not fitting in, and assignments  he couldn't keep track of, He failed a class. It was awful for him. It was awful for us to watch him and honestly too, to be with him.

He stopped wanting to go anywhere new. He also didn't want to be anywhere or doing anything that someone might see him. When he was much younger we had tried to get him in to flag football. He wouldn't do it because "someone might watch him play and mess up."

Over the summer we reached critical mass. I couldn't take any of it any more. It was destroying his relationships with his siblings and with us. I thought it was our bad parenting, or maybe he was just a really tough kid, but whatever it was, I was truly afraid of what might happen if we didn't get some help.

A friend mentioned a neuropsychologist she had taken her daughter to. I looked him up and his credentials really impressed me.
I will never forget calling from the floor of my closet in tears because I truly didn't know if he could help us, but I did know we couldn't go on as we were.

We got him in 2 months later for 4+ hours of testing. Filling out the paperwork was brutal. I really did question my parenting, my mental state, were we crazy, was the problem all ours and our poor kid was just getting messed up by us?

I even told the doctor as I left his office that I wanted to know if he was smart, or if we were just expecting too much from him. Picking him up later that day, the Doctor said, "He is very bright. And when we get together in 2 weeks to go over all the results we will come up with a plan." I felt so much better. Until 3 minutes later when he made his brother cry on the way home.

Sitting in the doctor's office for the results was the beginning of a whole new world for us. He started by letting our son know that he is indeed a very bright kid and that he has a wonderful brain. Then he explained that although his brain works very well, there are some connections that just aren't happening and he went through the tests explaining the test and what it measured and how his brain worked. Some tests, tested basic knowledge, could he read, do math problems etc. And some tested how he thought, retrieved information, planned (or didn't) how to tackle issues.

Our son said, "You mean I'm not dumb?" Noooo, far from it. I am so glad the doctor said this to him with us there for proof.

Ultimately we found out that he is bright, has a hard time with impulsivity, multi step processes, has some technical reading issues. He also has anxiety which is bad enough to explain the stomach problems he has battled for years and why he doesn't want anyone watching him, particularly if he might mess up.

The Doctor said we needed to make a new plan. Every night we go through each class, whether he has homework or not. If he has homework, we work on it, if not he has to tell us what he learned in that class that day. Then we go to the next subject. He already stays for math tutoring at school every day, because the math takes me too long to figure out :). We color coded his folders for each class. We make sure all of his papers are in the right folders and that they are done. And so far, this coupled with the promise that if he does this each night without issue, he can have 30 minutes on his tablet has proven to be golden. Then he is getting something he wants, he is reviewing his work daily, I know what is going on in each class and he gets the chance to teach me anything new he learned.
We have also met with the school psychologist and his teachers.

The school psychologist pointed out that this is how his brain works. It is not because of our parenting, what he eats or pollution. This is how he is hard wired. We can give him supplements, change his diet, make him exercise more etc. but we have to accept that this is how he was created and that by working with it now and hopefully creating some new habits we can help him learn some techniques to help him also succeed with it.

What have I learned? I love my son. He has some quirks we have to work with (but really who doesn't), he is smarter even than I thought, and we have a long road ahead of us. But now we know what road we are on.

What has it done for him? He now has validation from two doctors that he is very bright. That he is not a bad, dumb or lazy kid. He has gotten much nicer to be around. Things are not perfect, but they are oh, so much better.
At this point, this is where we are. We are getting his school stuff in order. The doctor said counseling might help, and we may need to, but right now we have to get the school stuff down before we can add anything else. He doesn't need medication, but if the day comes that he does we know where to turn.

There may be another post on this as we continue on and maybe not. But if it helps even one mom feel she is not crazy, or one dad to say, "hey we can get help with this", which leads to one kid who says, "You mean I'm not dumb?" Then it is worth it.

The doctor did let me know that what they know about this has increased dramatically in the last 20 years. He recommended books to read, counselors we could see, and the steps I described in helping our son. It has been so worth it!

The Church Farm

This morning was wonderful. We got to see the sunrise over the Superstition Mountains.

We got to eat donuts and drink chocolate milk in the car.

We got to go back to the farm.

Our church has a farm about an hour away from where we live and last year was our first time to go work at it. So we spent 2 hours digging dirt out of irrigation ditches right beside a cotton field. My kids got to see how cotton looks as it is growing. And they got to experience one of the many chores in farming.

So we signed up again this year. And we went back. We spent two hours digging out dirt and mud. It was wonderful.

We worked alongside other volunteers we didn't know, but soon found we had things in common.
As volunteers, we did a very small part of a necessary job so the farm can water its wheat crop.

To me, this is where it gets exciting. That wheat will be grown and harvested and then people can buy the wheat from the church. Or the wheat gets packaged and sent all over the world and freely distributed to those in need. Some is donated in shipments of supplies for the Red Cross to distribute, and some is distributed by the church. So many times those packages of food are the life saving staples for those who have had their homes destroyed by natural disasters.

When I think of the times that these disasters happen, I know that the church has very likely sent supplies. And I can think of people getting supplies that maybe came from the fields we worked at or the many other fields that volunteers throughout the country are working at just like we did. I think of the thousands of volunteers who package what the church has grown and get it ready to put in those care packages or on the shelves of food pantries.

Sometimes when I see all that is going on all around the world I get overwhelmed. I want so badly  to help. Sometimes I think about how small my little contribution is in the midst of big disaster.

But then I realize that each of us giving what we can give or doing what we can do, collectively makes a difference.

And I can know that even for a very short period of time and in a very small way, my family helped.

We didn't change the world today, but for a few hours our world was changed.

Lunar Eclipse

Tonight we watched the Lunar Eclipse.

It was amazing! The moon became a dark orangish-red color. You could still see the outline of it and you could somewhat see some of the characteristic markings.

What was also amazing was the thinking.

Usually the moon is reflecting the light of the sun. But in this case the moon was shadowed because the sun was on the opposite side of the earth. So for a time we were, in the way, so to speak.

That's what got me thinking.

Here was this big, gorgeous moon. And the shadow from the earth was blocking the light of the sun so you could barely see it.

You could still tell the moon was there, but it couldn't reflect the light.

Here was a whole planet getting in the way of the light of the sun, and then the moon couldn't shine.

How many times do we, as individuals, get in the way of the light of the Son? If we aren't careful, we can get in the way.

We can do it through trying to take credit for things that aren't ours to take credit for. Like the Spirit teaching us something or God giving us the ability to do something, and then we take the glory.

I just did it myself today. At church, I was telling an experience I had with my son, but failed to mention that the Spirit whispered to me what I should say, and what a teaching moment that was for me as well as for my son. I'm certainly not wise enough to come up with this stuff, but the Spirit is!

The amazing thing is, that no matter if we get in the way, the Son keeps shining. He keeps doing His amazing work. He is always there. We can try to block Him, we can try to take His glory, but we can't and don't. He is everlastingly there. And forgiving us when we get in the way.

Eventually, the earth moved tonight. We got out of the way. And sure enough, there was the moon still reflecting the beautiful light of the sun.

So glad it's still there.

So glad He is always there.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

I was cleaning the bathroom (oh joy) yet again, because my boys have hardly been home enough to use it, let alone clean it. As I was cleaning the mirror it jumped at me.

Not the mirror.

The realization that it doesn't really matter how beautiful the mirror is, or even how physically beautiful the reflection is, if the image is distorted.

I had some very stubborn hard water spots on the mirror to scrub off. Those spots, from a water fight gone awry, dried on the mirror and made it cloudy.

Then as I was cleaning them, the rag was leaving streaks, again distorting the image.

Finally with paper towels, water, and elbow grease I got the spots and streaks off.

But I couldn't shake the image.

No I don't mean my image.

I mean the picture of how easily distorted our views of ourselves are.

Recently, I had to write some things that were very raw for me and left me feeling quite exposed, and it frankly left me feeling quite depressed.
But as I talked over these feelings with a dear and trusted friend, I realized where the distortion was coming from.

Satan wants me to see myself from his distorted, hate and evil filled view. he wants me to feel ugly and dirty and unkempt.

God, on the other hand wants me to see who He made. One of his beautifully created children who has been out playing and gotten messy and dirty and scraped, with hair hanging all around, looking for a way to get into the door at home with hands full of mud.

He can see me for who I am. Yes, that dirty, messy, bedraggled girl. But one He can clean up, wash off, heal, and clothe with glory, His glory.

I so often forget to look at myself as He would.

I can see myself as a little girl, my hair in pigtails that have been in too long with strands hanging everywhere. Tear stains down my cheeks, mud on my hands, scrapes from my falls, and disheveled clothes with stains.

He opens the door to let me in, pulls me on to His lap and asks about my adventure. As I tell him through my tears about the fun plans I had until I fell and got scraped and dirty. Then trying to pull myself out of the mud, my feet got stuck and I could hardly move. As I was trying to get home, I got a little lost at times, sometimes sat down and cried for help. But always wanting to get home.

He would cuddle me in His arms, wipe away my tears and I would see that while I had been telling Him all about it, He had healed my scrapes, washed away my stains, cleaned the mud from my hands and feet and clothed me in His beautiful robes.

And all the while, He was cradling me in His love.

That's the view I think He has of us. His little children. His precious babies. The only thing worth sending His perfect Son to die for.

So next time you look in a mirror, ask yourself if you are seeing your true reflection. Are you aware of the distortions, or where they are coming from?

Then take a minute to see yourself as a child. One that is loved dearly. One who wants to come home and has gotten a little messy.

Ask yourself if that loving Father would open the door and pull you into His arms and heal you, and clean you and love on you. See yourself for a minute as He does.

I promise it is an image that is worth seeing. Look at it often. Trust in it. Trust in Him.

Bullying

This is a hot topic for many, and has been an experience we have had repeatedly over the years. So I am going to describe what has finally worked for our son in hopes that it may help someone else.

A few years ago our son was coming home nearly every day from school angry. Really angry. Although it took several weeks to find out what the problem was, it came down to a few boys in his class were making fun of him and taking pot shots at him at every turn. Just being downright mean. It was mostly due to his size. They knew if he fought back they could easily take him down, he was that much smaller.

We have taught our kids about making friends of your enemies and then you have no enemies.

He did try to be friends with them, and they would act like friends while others were around. Then when adults weren't around they would show their true colors.

After really struggling with this for nearly a month, I finally approached one of the other mothers in the class and asked if her son had experienced these issues. The year prior, her son and several others in the class had problems with these same boys and they came up with a solution.

This group of boys started completely ignoring them. They wouldn't respond to any comments the mean boys made. They also started eating together and bonding together. They would not give them any power or opportunity to be mean.

It wasn't long before the mean boys were feeling the loss of power and decided to start being nicer.

It didn't last long though, as we found the following school year. But now these nice boys knew how to handle it and then they included my son who was their new target.

It worked. He now had a new circle of nice friends which helped him feel included and these boys were all nice to each other.

They were not mean to the bullies. They just stuck together. The ate lunch together, played on the playground, talked to each other while walking to classes, etc.

Did it change the bullies? Not really. But it changed that power struggle and it changed how they felt about themselves because they now didn't need a weapon, they had each other.

There is something absolutely essential, I believe, in needing others. Even the most quiet, shy, or introverted type people do still need others. They just need others differently. Everyone needs to be loved and feel loved by a friend. That's basic. Look at how many horrific crimes have been committed by "loners." I honestly believe they didn't choose to be "loners", but they did feel very alone.

To be alone and have people picking on, teasing, belittling, or hurting you is awful. It is scarring.
It is also hard to know how to help. But there are those of our children who have the gift of being inclusive. Let's encourage that gift.

Let's help our children who are being bullied to find someone who won't hurt them and form a bond with others who are hurting. Most schools allow you to eat lunch with your child. That is a great time to get to know the classmates and see the pecking order. It can also be a good time to give your child a sense of strength (depending on the age) knowing that Mom/Dad loves them and wants to take some time to have lunch. You might want to run that idea by them first.

Then let's help them to rise above it, we don't want them bonding to do harm. There has been too much of that.

Let's also be honest. Do our kids bully anyone? Do they make fun of those who don't have their athletic prowess, social status, financial means, clothing, intelligence, or physical size or strength? Do we let them know that is not okay?

More and more I am seeing that kids have not been told by their parents that certain things are just not okay. They need to hear it!

And if your kids start acting differently find out why. I will never forget one day picking up my oldest from school and telling him to be really kind to his younger brother who came home really mad and I didn't know why. The first thing he said was, "Mom, he's probably being bullied. It makes you feel really mad inside." And sure enough, that was exactly the problem!!!

I realize that this problem has existed since Cain slew Abel. But we can find some ways to help our kids through it. If you have experienced this with your kids, post what worked. I will share it and maybe we can help a few kids feel not so alone.

And maybe, we can prevent some kid from doing something that gives him a sense of power, if only for a moment, that affects the lives of others.

Perusing Blogs

So I have been perusing other blogs and I find it kind of interesting.

I realize that most blogs now have a theme.

Have you noticed how many people now are "foodies"? You know, they make these great meals with 20 ingredients of which you can only find 4 at your local grocery and you have to order the rest online or find a specialty market. Most of the time, I'm not sure how to pronounce the name of the meal or several of the ingredients. Why don't they put a pronunciation guide?

And of course once the meal is made they not only have it beautifully presented on a rustic table that has not only matching placemats (that are all clean) but centerpieces of real flowers!

I just want to know, is the food still hot when the family finally comes to the table?

If I tried that at my house, there would be mutiny! No one would wait around while I made sure the food was perfectly displayed and the lighting was right and I had pictures from all the right angles. In all actuality, no one would want to see pictures of rewarmed mac and cheese anyway (even if it is homemade).

What do you call a food blogger? A "flogger"? or maybe a "fooger" (rhymes with booger)?

Then there are the exercise blogs. Would you be an "exersogger"? I love how they could make me look like (insert famous person's name, because I don't know any of them anyway) in just 30 days! If only I had the attention span for 30 days! By day 15 I have to start all over again because it took me 3 months to get that far!

There are the parenting blogs. I enjoy some of those and think, maybe someday I will be that all around amazing. When I have dementia in my 90's I know looking back I will have been all that. It does give really old age a little glimmer of goodness.
Really, I do hope my boys will get to marry a girl from one of those parents, so they know how to do it just right.
Meanwhile, I hope my boys will eventually look back and see that we did a few things right and be grateful that we are saving for their psychiatric funds.

I do enjoy occasionally looking at the do it yourself blogs. I even have a very dear friend who writes one and is as amazing as all of her projects.
But I wonder. Are these people born with special glasses? The kind that you put on and you can see how that ugly toilet paper holder can be remade into a beautiful chandelier in 10 days or less for under $10.
How do they find these awesome "pieces" to remake? When I go to flea markets, thrift stores, and Goodwill I NEVER see these things! I only see the stuff  I donated 3 years ago, that no one else wants either.

So, I'm not any of those. You will rarely find a recipe on here, because there's no way I'm going to take pictures of our dinner! I'm not an exersogger and I'm pretty sure Goodwill has my picture on a secret bulletin board in the back that says, "Under no circumstances accept donations from this lady. They are not the remake-able items we can sell." I'm certainly not a parenting expert, just ask my kids- they will be happy to tell you! I may occasionally share a tip I find or something new I've tried.

But mostly, what you will find is me. You will find that the things I absolutely love are my faith, my family, and trying to find things to laugh about or make others laugh. When I was a kid, I really wanted to be Lucille Ball. I was pretty sure we were related and I was sure there was a young Ricky Ricardo somewhere out there for me.

Well, some parts of my life do seem like "I love Lucy" reruns, but for the most part my life is pretty much like everyone else's.