The Imposter

A few months ago I went to a writing conference. My first ever. I was surrounded by well published authors, amazing teachers, editors, mentors and friends. It was a fantastic experience!

Then I came home and tried to write. That thing that I do. That part in me that feels real and even more, who I want to be. But I suddenly had this tremendously uncomfortable feeling that I was an imposter. I was filled with self-doubt. “Who do you think you are? A REAL writer, yeah right, you barely pulled a C in a college writing class. Your blog is limping along. You self-published for crying out loud!!” All these thoughts consumed me, crippled me in all honesty. I kept sitting at my computer trying to write and the word, “IMPOSTER!!!!” kept screaming in my head. 

I addressed it with my writing community and was so sweetly reminded that I am a writer. Even if it is only stringing a few thoughts together and getting them on paper, that qualifies me, loving it confirms me, wanting to get better at it fills me. Those feelings may wax and wane and that is okay. This is a process. A LONG process.

I made the comparison this week to another deep part of me. I am a Christian. I believe in Christ. And in my believing I often feel like an imposter. I feel at times as though I’m not good enough to consider myself a “believer." Because a believer wouldn’t mess up as frequently as I do, wouldn’t ever doubt, wouldn’t ever wonder if God had forgotten about her, wouldn’t question why these super hard things were happening in her life. A believer would never yell at her kids, or make an unkind comment, judge a stranger, or get mad about the state the world is in. A true believer would be above all that. 

Right?

Wrong!!!

I am a true believer even in my small imperfect ways. I believe in Christ and I believe Christ. 

I believe that He makes up for all I lack. I believe that He has faith in me to change, in time. I believe that He can see the whole picture of where I was at and where I am going and that I am trying each day to do better. 

Foremost, I believe that He already paid the price for every mistake I make. He has that much love and faith in who I am. 

Like my sweet writing group helping me to remember who I am and who I want to be, my Savior already truly knows who I am. He knows I am a believer. 

He also knows that I need the process of studying things out and finding out for myself so He allows my doubts.

He knows I want to become more like Him and He allows me to stumble on the path and sometimes wander off, because He is there and can always find me, and always has band-aids. 

He knows that it is a process to change and He has already paid for all the mistakes I have made and will make.

He knows that as a believer, I will offer to pray for and with you when I don’t know what else to do. 

He knows that I will testify of Him.

He knows that I will find joy in the scriptures and try to share that with anyone who might listen and sometimes those who won’t.

He knows that I will keep trying and that I will keep coming to Him because I frequently find myself looking for answers.

He knows that I often say, “I give up! I don’t know what to do!” But keep on trying because I won’t give up. I may keep doing the same dumb thing, but I won’t stop trying.

He knows all of these things and He is okay with this fledgling believer who wants to be more.

He won’t give up on me.

And I testify that He won’t and hasn’t given up on you! No matter what your circumstances are, no matter how lost you may feel, no matter what you have done, He is there.

You are not an imposter! He loves you because He knows you! You cannot fake Him out. It is impossible. He knows you!

Only someone who believes in each of us would hurt for us, pay our debt and then die for us. He has done this.

So if you ever have a day or an hour that you feel like an imposter, stop! Remind yourself that you are not to Him. God made you and loves you and knows you. He will always be waiting for you to call out to Him. He will be there with band-aids and healing cream. He will tell you the way back home and He will walk it with you. 

To Him, you are not an imposter. You are a believer!

Muffin Magic

I love to bake! To me, there is something so satisfying in the perfectly chewy, gooey chocolate chip cookie, or the chocolate cake with a moist dense crumb, and light and luscious lemon cake. Part of it is in the actual making of it and having it come out to perfection, and the other part is in the enjoyment of the final product. Especially when shared with others and the nice comments when they too enjoy or appreciate it.

This weekend, I tried a new and totally different (for me) recipe for blueberry muffins. It had ingredients I don't usually use in my muffins and I knew it would be an experiment. When I pulled them out of the oven they were more brown than I usually bake and looking a trifle too brown I was a little concerned I had overdone it.

After about 3 minutes on the cooling rack I knew it was the opposite. They were underdone! The middles caved in and they were inedible.

A few days later, here I am writing this for me and sharing with you.

These muffins are often like us.

If we want a light tasty muffin, we not only have to have the right ingredients, but we have to bake it long enough. We have to expose it to the heat until it is cooked through and the chemical magic happens.

Dealing with a really hard struggle with one of my boys, I have found myself at my wits end and asking the Lord, "Isn't this enough? Aren't we done with this yet? Can you wrap this up already?"

Only to find the answer is, not yet.

He knows when all of the processes are complete. When we have been fully baked and then He can pull us out of the oven for the enjoyment.

I feel like the Cookie Monster of Sesame Street days. Constantly looking in the oven demanding, "Cookies done yet?" only to find they aren't and I have to keep doing all my usual stuff and then coming again, "Cookies done yet", and shaking my head, walking away, "Cookies not done yet."

But I also am excited to see the finished product, to taste the perfection I know will come in the next life when I am done. When He has finished His work on me, on my heart, on my weaknesses. When he has taken the perfectly chosen ingredients and baked them to perfection.

Don't give up on yourself or another! I find myself getting discouraged when I think about where we are at and the long road ahead, but I keep having to remind myself that even a great cake takes time. If I want perfection in a cake it requires great ingredients, proper mixing, and just the right amount of baking.

We were made of great ingredients! We can't lose sight of that! And each of us has different ones. We will each be a different and unique and delicious creation. We have the ingredients in us. Now we need to let the Master Baker expose us to the heat until we become what He is creating us to be.

Don't give up, you don't want to have a soggy unbaked middle!

Back to School Dread

Ahhh, Back to School!

The smell of new crayons, fresh notebooks, the look of pencils yet to be chewed on, and backpacks that look nice and neat.

Then there are the pictures with smiling kids and fingers held up or chalkboards or shirts telling what grade they are going into. New shirts or whole outfits. Hair that is actually combed and sprayed.

For some, it is a day of excitement about new teachers, new friends, new schools. The possibilities of fresh starts is exciting.

For others it is a day of hope.

You hope the excitement makes it through the day, that your child comes home full of hope.

Hope that maybe this year they will succeed. That this year will be different.

Hope that this year they will have a friend, that friend. The one that makes it so they will not mind getting up and going. The one that doesn't mind that they are easily excited when nervous. The friend who maybe also doesn't like sports, but will play in the dirt the whole recess.

You hope they get that teacher who gets it. Who understands that they may or may not get it. That they may get it way after everyone else does. The teacher that is willing to hang in there with them and not be annoyed or even hate them because they are annoying by default. Hope that your teacher will not be so overwhelmed by requirements, testing, meetings, many students with specific needs, that she/he lets go of the excitement and enthusiasm of the profession they chose.

Hope that they might actually get past their fear of eating in the cafeteria so they don't come home starving.

Hope that the homework the teachers think will only take 30 minutes, not three hours!

Hope that you will be able to make it through one whole week without having a panic attack.

If you are that Mama, you are not alone. Although, having a kid with disabilities, differences, challenges, or new circumstances can feel so very lonely.

When I taught school, I remember having students whose parents came to me at their wits end. They didn't know how to help their kids. As their teacher, I often had to let them know that they didn't need to worry about whether or not their kid finished the homework. Sometimes, I had to intervene and encourage different friendships. Often I had to let parents know their kid didn't get it yet, but that they most likely would in time. Just not the same time as everyone else.

I am having to tell myself these things over and over now, as a parent.

It is frustrating, overwhelming, often filled with tears.

There are two things I have to keep telling myself.

First, your child's success, or lack of,  in school is not a reflection on you!
What???!!!

That can't be! The best parents have the straight A kids who play at least one instrument, are in several clubs, are the heads of after school activities, etc...

Yes, there are kids who thrive on all of that. But not everyone does, and that is a good thing. There would be no one to lead if we were all leaders. There would be no one in the audience if all the kids were on the stage playing the instruments.

Second, it also does not reflect on them! So maybe they don't get things when everyone else does. We all learn differently and in different time frames. A learning challenge is just that: a challenge. Oh, but in our society it is so hard to remember! Let's remind each other!

Last year, after dropping my kids off at school, I remember looking at sweet pictures of kiddos with combed hair and smiles and feeling my breath sucked away as the fear of failure, meanness, anxiety, being misunderstood, and several other feelings my own kids have expressed or experienced, swooped in and grasped at my lungs. It was so real, I cried and I prayed.

As we are getting our excited or not so excited kids ready to start school, lets fill ourselves and our kids with grace. Let's remember that there are those who excel in "the system" and those who for whatever reason don't. Let's help our kids be kind to them. Let's be praying for the success of our kids and those who struggle. Let's also be praying for the parents of those who struggle. It is so hard to watch. If we have the ability to help, let's reach out and do it! Let's especially help our kids to see that we need each other. 

You are not alone!

The Work of Peter's Miracle

Ok my friends. I've talked about this for years and it finally officially hit Amazon today and should be on Barnes and Noble, Ingram, Books a Million, etc. soon!

I truly hope I am not driving anyone crazy with it, because that is the last thing I want.

What I would like, is to tell you a bit more. The kind of backstory that I would share with you in my kitchen or sitting on my couch, so snuggle up dear friend, I have a story to tell you.

When my oldest was about 7, he had been having struggles in school, particularly with "friends" and being the very little guy, was just very down. I had been noticing this going on and wanted to help him, but didn't really have any ideas. After one really rough day, he came home so discouraged. That night, as is our tradition, I laid down next to his bed to tell him a story while he fell asleep. But this time I wanted the encouragement to come from the scriptures. So as I lay there I thought of the story in Matthew 17 where the tax collectors ask Peter about Jesus paying taxes and the Savior sends him fishing. I told him about this very unremarkable, very ordinary fish, very much like every other fish in the sea. Then I told him how this fish was part of an amazing miracle. There was a coin to pay the taxes for both of them.

He seemed to really like the story, so after he fell asleep I went down to work on writing it down the way I had told it to him.

Part of the story came. But then it stopped.

Then I researched fish to figure out how it could've gotten there, because that could truly happen, I mean really the miracle was that Jesus knew it would be there.
 
So for years, and I mean years, I would go back to this story and try to write it. And I could never get it to come out right!

Meanwhile we had a few other kids, the night time stories continued, but this one kept coming back to me.

We moved, far away. I had more kids, but I also didn't have friends or many expectations, so I went back to work on this story that was driving me nuts!

I began praying about it. I knew there was a good message there. Why couldn't I get it to come out?
While in prayer one day, asking God about the story, I got a very clear impression.

"This story isn't about the fish. Cheryl, this story is about Peter and what he needed to know."

That's when the story came. It didn't take long to get it out. It did take months to get it better. And it took friends who were willing to read it and give input.

Then came the attempts for publishing. I sent it off several times and got really nice rejection letters and finally put it on the back burner. The market for Christian Children's books is pretty small.

I told the Lord, that if he would help me get it out, I would try to do good with it.

Because the realization also came that this wasn't my story. I wish it was, but it's not.

One night, I saw a commercial for Christian Faith Publishing and went with them. It is considered "self publishing" and as such I put money up to make it happen. But in so doing, I also got to choose my illustrator and we worked very closely to get what I envisioned the book to be, and frankly, I think she nailed it! Thanks Bethaney!

So after I make back what I have invested in publishing it, my portion of the royalties will go to Feed My Starving Children. It is a charity that I love. Should that one ever go away, I will choose another charity that seems appropriate.

So if you like the book and feel like you know someone who would benefit, please share. And please also know that you will be helping others!

At least, that is my fervent prayer!
 

Right now, it is available in hardback but will be available in soft cover and digitally soon.

If  you get it and like it, please comment on Amazon, or wherever. It does bring it up more often so others will see it. 

 https://www.amazon.com/Peters-Miracle-Cheryl-Creamer-Merrill/dp/1640797149/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1527833628&sr=8-1&keywords=peter%27s+miracle+by+cheryl+merrill

The oh So Ugly Duckling

The past few months I have been struggling with myself. I keep finding myself in situations with people and I truly don't know what to do or how to handle them. The kind of situations where it is so unanticipated that you find yourself pulling your jaw up off the ground.

I have found myself completely stunned.

I have found myself incensed.

I have found myself having to get super uncomfortable and stand up and say things that are right but are making me shake in my boots.

I have also found myself questioning me. Examining my motives. Examining how I am choosing to handle things. Examining my patience.

Frankly, it is all uncomfortable.

This morning as I woke up, again struggling with things, I realized that I may not be doing all this self examination if it wasn't for being so uncomfortable.

I'll admit. I like to be comfy. I like comfy clothes and comfy chairs. I like comfy friends and cozy surroundings. But as much as I like all that and need those things (especially the comfy friends) those don't make me grow as much and as quickly as wiggling in my own skin and tossing in my mind does.

This morning I came to realize that all this wrestling with myself is for my own good. God in His infinite wisdom is going to help reveal something better in me. I just have to be willing to go through some yucky and somewhat painful scrubbing with a wire brush!

I sure like the beautiful swan idea. Have you ever seen a beautiful stark white swan? They are absolutely gorgeous with their contrasting black bill. But they aren't just pretty to look at! They are strong, powerful birds. They can handle long migration. They are loyal and dependable.

So please bear with me as I'm in my ugly duckling phase! I hope it won't last long, but while it does, I'm going to keep examining and questioning and learning.

Come to think of it, it might be good to consider that for others. They may be going through an ugly phase too. Let's get through the ugly together, by being as kind as possible, learning how to stand up kindly, express joyfully and live fully, that we may become the beautiful creatures God made us to be.

His Little Hero

When you think about what a hero looks like, what do you envision?

Perhaps a face damp with sweat and streaked with dirt,

Or maybe a face contorted in pain coupled with incredible strength.

A face of peace and love.

Tears of compassion and understanding.

You may notice strong arms, carrying or lifting.

Hands that are digging, pulling, grasping.

A body that is fully engaged in a struggle.

A weary, but content form.

Have you ever seen any or all of these in yourself?

I was busy getting my usual million things done and realizing that there was no way I was going to accomplish all that I felt I needed to do, when one of my kids just reached in and helped. And together we got it done.

Another day, I had my priorities wrong and was trying to do things that I felt needed to be done, but were not really essential when my little one asked me to play and then wrapped his sweet arms around me giving me a hug and patting me on the back. Priorities shifted.

This morning a dear friend called to check on me after a super big event I was part of last night. Making me smile and reminding me to take a moment to settle in the accomplishment.

When you look in the mirror, would you pick yourself as the hero for someone else?

I wouldn't pick myself.

I would probably pick that super smart, super strong, beautiful, courageous, never tired, perfect, oh wait... that doesn't exist.

Then I remember that every day my Heavenly Father picks me.

I believe He looks down and says, "Oh good, another one of my heroes just woke up. I have a work for you to do."

And then in all our doings, He sends these little promptings.
"Smile at this person."
"Reach out to ______"
"Hug your child who just broke your favorite_____"
"Make that meal your son loves, just because."
"Give that compliment to her."
"Forgive that rudeness."

 God has handpicked YOU to be a hero. He knows your face. He knows what you can do and the life He would put you in. He knows the people you will somehow have contact with. He knows the influence that you can have.

He knows that in the end, love, faith, and courage win and we are part of that in each of our "heroic" acts.

Your face may be contorted in pain, coupled with incredible strength as you give birth.
Your face may be the one with tears of compassion for a friend who is grieving.
Maybe your strong body is helping to carry the burdens of someone else who just can't carry it all today.
It may be your face damp and streaked with dirt as you help change the tire on that old lady's car.
Maybe your weary body is crawling into bed at the end of a long day of doing what you consider all your normal non-heroic things called "taking care of your family".
Your face of peace and love is healing a person who needs forgiveness.

My children have often been my heroes.  As a child of my Heavenly Father, I have that same opportunity. He has given me all that I need, and what I may lack in the moment, He will provide.

He knows there are days you will act on those whisperings and moments you won't.

And all the while He loves you!

His little hero.